Domestic Discipline vs BDSM

15

02/06/2012 by Basia Rose

Disclaimer:

Since writing this last night, I’ve had a revelation of sorts, which I’ll write about probably tomorrow.

I hope I’m not offending anyone with my thoughts here!

I’m still reading about Domestic Discipline quite a lot, and still not sure of my thoughts about it.

On one hand, I love reading about it, and I love a lot about the dynamic that goes into a DD relationship. That would be because there are similarities with a Dominant/submissive relationship (despite what many in DD claim!), and the submissive mindset is certainly something I identify with.

But the fact is, no matter how many well-thought-out, well-written posts I read addressing the issue: “What if the man screws up? Who holds him accountable?”, I still haven’t found an answer that satisfies me.

I get sick of hearing phrases like, “the need to correct the wife’s damaging behaviours”. The implication always seems to be that a woman is incapable of behaving like an adult without a man to “correct” her, whereas a man is just fine on his own.

Now, as with a D/s relationship, what this means is that the person in the position of power has a lot of responsibility to shoulder. In some ways it’s the tougher role. My issue with that is that it works wonderfully in theory, but how many husbands are going to be 100% trustworthy and responsible 100% of the time in real life? Do DD husbands really never swear, or forget something, or be rude, or arrive late for something?

I have never – and will never – demonstrate the “dangerous behaviours” wives apparently need spanked out of them. I don’t need a man to tell me it’s wrong to text while driving. I don’t need someone to paddle my arse to remind me to hang up my towel after a shower.

Yes, those truly are examples I’ve come across.

Because if I became involved in a DD relationship, I would expect something close to perfection from him if he expects me to let him cane me whenever I don’t hang up a towel!

This is – for me – where the Dominant/submissive relationship makes more sense. Power in the relationship is handed over not because one person is too stupid to behave sensibly, but because submission is a gift to be given and cared for.

The part of Domestic Discipline I understand is the fact there’re people who desire to have a male-led household. Many (most?) people would think that is backward, but I know it is something some people crave. There’re people who prefer to live with traditional gender roles. I don’t see that as being any different to the power exchange in a BDSM relationship.

I can certainly appreciate the harmony some people find through DD (and know of some very successful DD relationships).

But the underlying sexism I see implied by some DD practitioners? And when people start using religion as the explanation for the nature of their relationship? That worries me.

I don’t know. Fascinating, but DD is obviously not for me!

15 thoughts on “Domestic Discipline vs BDSM

  1. Great post! I am clueless as to what a DD relationship. This was actually my first time hearing the term. You explained it pretty nicely to me. Again, great post! Very interesting.

  2. Basia Rose says:

    Thanks! A lot of DD stems from religious groups, with people finding parts of the Bible they think say men have to discipline their wives. I know nothing about all of that, but there’re others who just practice it because they feel it’s right for them.
    A lot of these people claim there should be no sexual connection to the punishment, but Cara Bristol is one author who writes excellent DD books with an erotic aspect to them. I’d highly recommend her books.

  3. misselle72 says:

    Although I am on the flip side of the D/s coin I also have views on DD and the hypocrisy of some (if not most) of it’s practitioners.
    And as for “… when people start using religion as the explanation for the nature of their relationship? That worries me.” I couldn’t have said it better myself!
    You have written beautifully and made your point well.

    • Basia Rose says:

      Thank you! I know some people in BDSM who also incorporate DD into their relationships, but then I see DDers (is that even a term?!) who have so much disdain for BDSM… I don’t know why. Is it the cuffs?!
      The best article I read was last night, where it talked about DD being a “wholesome” way for Christians to practice BDSM. It sort of made sense to me, but I’m sure a lot of people would disagree.
      So I’ve been reading and reading… I think I need to read some light-hearted fiction book for a rest!

  4. youngsub91 says:

    I had it understood that a man in a DD setting was supposed to be a lot like a Dom…careful with his punishments, not over something silly. And if he wished to remain as the head of the household he had to be held to a higher standard. If he wasn’t holding up his end, then his wife could simply call off the DD aspect of their relationship.
    Then again, I last looked this up years ago.

    • Basia Rose says:

      Yeah, this is how I see (saw?) it. Then I started reading around more and more, and was completely horrified by the “infractions” women were being punished for.
      There were so many situations where women were saying, “I got caned because I was being a typical annoying woman”, or, “I was two minutes late putting the garbage out, so I got spanked twice,” and all I could think was that these people were having their personalities spanked right out of them!
      In theory, DD doesn’t sound that different from a lot of D/s relationships. In practice, all it seems to do is tell women they’re too stupid to function without the guidance of their husband!
      The reason I became interested in it to begin with was because of the books I’d read about it. But in real life it looks like the HOH often lets the power get to their head.

      • youngsub91 says:

        I suppose that’s less of a concern in BDSM because of the community aspect. If my Dom were to go all power crazy, there would be other Dom and subs in the community that would try to guide us away from power crazy nonsense abuse stuff.
        I feel like with a DD HOH thing, it’s done more in secret…and therefore, there isn’t that sense of community and such to keep the HOH’s ego in check.

      • Basia Rose says:

        I guess the other thing is that DD is almost exclusively about “submissive wife-HOH man”. There’s next to no variation that I’ve ever come across. Unsurprising, as so many people bring religion into it. It creates an atmosphere of people believing a woman is less capable, which is not the way I have experienced with Dominant men in BDSM.
        People submit in BDSM for different reasons, I suppose.

  5. Unka Bobby says:

    Ms Rose, you do realize that your “research” is simply reading websites, where people post whatever fantasies, delusions or musings might drip out of their heads at the moment, right? There’s no correlation between Real Life and 99% of what you’re reading on websites.

    The degree to which people have become absorbed in the potential to express fantasy as if it were Reality online (via easier tools for posting pictures and videos, etc), seem to exponentially increase the degree to which other people come to believe they’re reading or seeing Reality about relationships.

    I was reading a Tumblr blog recently, where a young woman was posting lots of pictures she’d stolen from the Net that depicted her fantasies in a certain Fetish, and felt great despair for the Future when reading all the compliments she was getting from others for helping them learn about how to live their relationships, with her stolen porn photos.

    If anything, the credence I give anyone’s knowledge of the Real World (and Real relationships) is inverse to the amount of time they spend online pontificating on those relationships. It takes too much Real Time to build an abiding Forever with someone, to be handing out online advice via posts around the Net on the subject, IME.

    Best of luck to you, but throw away the labels, and the fantasies you’re out there reading as “research” on having a Real relationship. There’s little correlation between online depictions of these things, and the way they really work.

    Take care.
    –UB

    • Basia Rose says:

      Ah, but these “online depictions” are REAL people practicing REAL DD relationships (see the link in my post). These are not fantasy depictions. I also mentioned – if you didn’t notice – that I KNOW people in these relationships. I KNOW them, and I cannot understand a number of aspects of their relationships.
      This is not online fantasy, nor – Heaven forbid – some youngster posting garbage on Tumblr.
      You may not like my interpretation of the lifestyle, but I’m saying it as I’ve seen it firsthand, and I’m saying I don’t agree with every aspect of it..

  6. […] other day I wrote a strange piece on my confusion about Domestic Discipline relationships and the power exchange […]

  7. Who is accountable when the male messes up, good question. and ill explain the difference between a DD’s relationship and your D’s. Many Christians use domestic discipline more so Southern Baptist.
    Now the big difference a couple in a D’s relationship, the dominant almost 99% of the time thinks things out clearly before acting, this is one of the things that makes a Dom so unique , he handles problems before they become problems, he for the most is more calm. as far as being loyal I still give the upper hand to the D’s couple, Doms are generally more loyal because when it comes to sex bot the dom and sub are more open about sex, a sub or slave will do most what ever it takes to please, for instance can you picture June Clever and ward having anal sex, nope.
    Men mess around because they are not getting something at home, be it oral sex what ever, but a D’s couple goes into a relationship with an open door and mind.
    Just my two cents…
    Awesome story..

    • Basia Rose says:

      Thanks for the excellent explanation – and I agree with you.
      Using Domestic Discipline because the church told you to completely skeeves me out. If you’re submitting because of community pressure, that’s not true submission. It’s not a choice freely made.
      Whenever I’m discussing BDSM or DD and someone starts talking about the Bible, I’m out of there. It’s not like in D/s, where a person is submitting because it is THEIR desire to.

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