Domestic Discipline vs BDSM #2

11

04/06/2012 by Basia Rose

The other day I wrote a strange piece on my confusion about Domestic Discipline relationships and the power exchange involved.

Let me preface this post by saying you should visit this site for a very positive look at Domestic Discipline, and read this author for a great fictional depiction of a DD marriage. Don’t just listen to me!

One thing I couldn’t figure out was why I was more than fine with a similar relationship setup within a BDSM context, but baulked at it in DD.

Why did I understand the concept of one person having the power over the other within BDSM, but not in Domestic Discipline?

Anyway, I was brushing my teeth (of all things) when I figured out why one worked for me and not the other.

The way I see it, this is what Domestic Discipline is about:

A male-led relationship where ground-rules are set in advance. If the woman violates the rules, then she will receive punishment for them (spanking, corner time et cetera).

The purpose of this discipline is to help the woman become the best version of herself she can be – as a woman, a wife and a mother.

I see a D/s relationship (let’s say for now, a heterosexual relationship where the woman is submissive) as:

A power exchange between two people, where ground-rules are set in advance. The woman is expected to behave within these agreed parameters, and moving outside them will result in some sort of correction.

The purpose of this is to help the woman investigate her submissive side, and to explore it further within the dynamics of the relationship.

Similar? Very.

But – to me – the difference is that DD is about “improving” the woman, while BDSM is about improving the submissive.

To me (and I really mean to me, because obviously these are just my opinions), I absolutely believe DD can also make a stronger emotional connection between two people, but I struggle with the idea a woman needs to be “fixed” by a man in order to make it.

I have a long memory, and I think that if I entered into a DD relationship I would harbour a lot of resentment. I have enough of my own insecurities without having a man spank me because my personality annoyed him.

This is why submission within a BDSM context makes sense to me. If a Dom is moulding you into the kind of submissive he wants you to be, it’s not because you need changing; it’s because there’s more he wants to explore with you.

However, all that said, I know some people in DD relationships, and these are women I have a lot of respect for. It obviously works for some, just not for everyone.

11 thoughts on “Domestic Discipline vs BDSM #2

  1. fieara says:

    I always felt that BDSM is just sexual, so it’s for the woman and man to have fun by spanking the woman. But DD is not just sexual, it is about everything. That’s why DD isn’t for me and I would have a lot of resentment/fear. Just my opinion, not saying it’s necessarily right.

  2. fieara says:

    Actually a lot of DD relationships aren’t sexual at all especially Christian DD.

  3. Basia Rose says:

    BDSM is not only sexual. There’re many people who live in 24/7 BDSM relationships where the power imbalance is permanent. Many BDSM scenes are conducted between two people who are never sexually intimate together. It’s about power exchange and a mental connection. BDSM is about the mind first – go to a club and you’ll find many actually ban sex!
    Yes, of course there’s a lot of sex too (and the porn industry does nothing to help the image!), but BDSM is still a relationship, like any other kind, just with more – ahem – activities involved!
    My biggest issue with DD is that it’s often portrayed as a man being better than a woman. And I just cannot ever believe that. However, it works so well for some marriages, and I definitely cannot argue with that.
    I have heard over and over that spanking should be completely separate from sex in DD. I know some people believe that and others do not. But spanking is such an intimate thing, I could definitely see how one would lead to the other!

  4. Cara Bristol says:

    Great article about the difference between DD & BDSM. And thanks for the mention! 🙂

  5. A good book to read is called The Surrendered Wife. Here is one example, I was speaking to a slave about a year ago, who was really over weight, and had some health issues that was caused from her weight. So I said if you think your fat fix it, you know what has to be done. Her reply was I want vile to fix it, me , you think, not. So she wanted me to take her by the hand, and guide her step by step and force her to do things. Diet, work out, walk after work so on the list was a mile long.
    My reply was, why would you want to bring me into a relationship when you have all these issues going on in your life, and this does happen often, talk to some other Doms.
    I want you to fix me, well no I am not going to fix you, you know if you weigh 300lbs Don’t go to Mcdonalds and order 3 big macs, and a moca.
    Now there are some dominants who enjoy the fixing thing, maybe they are bored, or it is the challenge, the hunt and the kill.
    I posted the other day about molding a slave, bringing out her best, making sure she excels in everything , being there for support.
    Even in a DD relationship, I do not think they have the communication a D’s relationship has, 90% of the back bone in a D’s relationship is communication, I do not see it that way in a DD.
    Vile

    • Basia Rose says:

      Ooh, I’ve seen that book before and thought it would be an interesting read. It has certainly divided readers! I’ll have to put in an order.
      I don’t know why people would want to enter into any kind of relationship so they can be “fixed”. If you need someone else to motivate you in order to take care of yourself, then you’re not ready to be with another person.
      It’s an interesting point you make, and something that has been bugging me about DD. The wives always seem like children, needing their husbands to help them behave like normal human beings. What happens when he isn’t there to tell you to eat healthy food? Or to not text while you drive?

      • There was a movie back in the 70’s called the stepford wives which pretty much covers the same thing..
        Also I have noticed that the communication is not there like a D’s relationship, as well as the sex, or being open about there sexual feelings.
        Although sex is not the main thing in a D’s relationship, it does play a big part, more so when you can go to your partner with your wildest fantasies and not be made fun of or judged.

      • Basia Rose says:

        I’ve only seen the remake, but I think that’s enough to understand!
        I suppose it’s hard to be open about sex in a lot of DD relationships when people are so focused on what their church community wants them to do!

      • Not only in DD relationships, but vanilla as well, back in the day I use to see a lot of married women, it had nothing to do with sex, it was bondage, spanking, and some humiliation, I never had sex with any of them. What it was about is being afraid to talk to there husbands about there needs, the kinky side of sex, and when they did bring it up, their husbands thought they were sick, laughed at them even divorce…

      • Basia Rose says:

        BDSM relationships definitely have the communication thing worked out better than others. Wanting to divorce someone because of that is a little disturbing!

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