Cosmo’s Guide to BDSM

14

07/09/2012 by Basia Rose

“Cosmo’s BDSM tips make Fifty Shades of Grey look like The Story of O.”

I’ve seen this a few times in the past fortnight, and I still get a laugh out of it.

Inspired by Fifty Shades of Twilight’s expert guide to kink, here are some Cosmo tips for getting into BDSM.

Ignoring the fact they’re hilarious, I’m trying to understand how anybody’s sex life could be so boring they think THESE are kinky!

“Wow your man with these moves inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey” – yes, that is what the article is actually called. #sad

Here are some of my favourites:

* Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body — his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.

* Let him write ‘property of [his name]’ on your underwear before you leave for work. It’s an all-day-long reminder that he is your ‘master,’ which is awesomely kinky.

* Tie his silky tie loosely around his penis, then roll it up and down for a silky handjob.

* Put a bunch of (clean!) loose change in the freezer for an hour. Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube, then cover it with coins (outside only!). The cold against the warm? Incredible. – This. Is disgusting. I’m going to have trouble touching money ever again.

* In the shower, get him to shave your legs for ultimate submission.

* Instruct him to wrap your chest and torso in plastic wrap and touch you through it — the muted sensation feels amazeballs.

* Have him use a ruler to lightly tap your inner thighs as he goes down on you.

14 thoughts on “Cosmo’s Guide to BDSM

  1. That is… Well, it’s naughty but not really kinky…

    • Basia Rose says:

      Yes – I can’t believe vanilla people could think that prodding their boyfriend with a fork = BDSM!!

      • There are so many ways to be kinky that are not really hardcore, I have no idea what kind of person wrote that article. Definitely not someone with access to wikipedia.

      • Basia Rose says:

        They missed so many obvious kinky things and went for the ridiculous. Sure, you can spank someone, but sneaking up on them when they’re stepping out of the shower (like the magazine suggested)?
        That is just stupid!

  2. Black Hippie Chick says:

    Thank gods I wasn’t drinking anything, I would’ve spit it out all over my poor dogs. Wtf.??? Umm, nobody better bring any nasty ass coins near that area, EVER. The fork thing is too funny.

    • Basia Rose says:

      I’ve reread it a couple of times tonight and still laugh.
      I really hope nobody is actually doing that with coins. Have they not heard of sex shops?!

  3. Reblogged this on A Domme and Her pet and commented:
    Those are just so ridiculous I do believe its on another level D:

  4. vastlycurious.com says:

    Thank you for my laugh for today! I still can’t completely close my thighs from yesterday but it’s still good to read that some people are experimenting…the cold coin thing…wearing rubber gloves….snap 🙂

    • Basia Rose says:

      “good to read that some people are experimenting”
      I’m thinking there’re some situations where people shouldn’t experiment.
      Like… if they’re the kind of person who buys Cosmo for their BDSM tips!

      • vastlycurious.com says:

        We all had to start somewhere!!! I started on Craigs List of all places four years ago and only now am I a Free spirit…hmmmmmmm……I don’t think I can post the free me here…

  5. Made my day. No. Really.

  6. Butterfly says:

    glad we found each other here so we can laugh at it together 😀

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